Red sky in the morning, fake euphoria for a fool
It presumptuous when it's not solid enough, too many frictions and it crumbles, polluted by strange substances and it slowly perishes.Never meant to create this blog to write something sentimental, hate to show the world the brittle part of me, anyway none gonna read this, so okay whatever, imma write whatever I want to write. Ignore grammar mistakes in this post, too lazy to re-check.
Wrote the 'red sky thingy' above when everything got worse when I'm out of control when I thought all negatives finally neutralized, thought 'oh problem solved' but nah, too many excesses and lack of positivity.
I always handle everything alone and was good at it, I can control myself & my mind very well, solved my own problem with a different approach to found out the best solution, Made plan A B C D to reduce the probability to fail. Apparently, I'm not that strong, I'm not that solid, maybe there are too many frictions and I crumbled. Went too far away from my box, reality hit me so hard, if the social class is a pyramid, I'm at the bottom and that fact made me cry at night. They live in a different league, they have the privilege and all, sometimes I think I can't compete and then I think it ain't a competition, however, I can't lose, I should stand still cause none help if I fall.
How to explain this, it sounds bullshit but feels like a terrible broken heart and I don't know how to deal with it. That's why I prefer logic over feeling, cause I can't control feeling, it was taking years for me to learn people's emotions, how to give good feedback, how to have sympathy, how to analyze the motive behind every word they say.
I wonder where it went wrong. I wonder when the flame that used to be so bright started to flicker into embers. I wonder why I never noticed.
l.l. (cr: @hqpairquotes on Twitter)
I never lose hope in my life, I'm a realist, there will be a patch of blue sky in every bad weather, right? But why I can't think logically right now? I even seek for external motivation, the inside of me said it was pathetic. I know myself very well, I did self-motivation for 23 years, I don't need others. FYI I'm kind of narcissistic, sometimes I'm really confident like I can do everything and adore myself every day. Lately, It almost disappears.
Someday, I was in the middle of something and I'll be like 'wait, I wanna cry' and I cried then I stopped and came back to my activity. That shit scared the hell out of me. I obviously not okay, hate to admit it but I'm broken, theoretically, I know what should I do but fuck theory it's not that easy. Sure I'm trying to go back, already on track, takes time but I think I'll be back again. Cause I should win every battle and that's on period.
Comments